Have you ever wondered how horror movie characters can possibly be so stupid? I mean, come on, everyone should know how to avoid the endless cliches thrown at the victims in these flicks. Why don’t they realize that someone is going to die when the lights go out?
We all laugh at them and yell about what they should have done. But would you think clearly while being chased by a zombie, or a vampire, or a serial killer? You may think you would, but it wouldn’t be easy under pressure.
Just in case you are suddenly, and without warning, launched into the middle of a horror film, it may be best to make a survival plan ahead of time. Here are five rules of survival to help you live through a horror movie.
The first rule of horror movie survival is take charge. The main hero and heroine are the only characters with a good shot at survival. Be one of these people. Do not become the nameless and unimportant person in the background. If you do, you will die. For example, make sure you are not the security guard, one of the parents, the geeky friend, the old boyfriend, the janitor, the extra person that wanders into the group or anyone alone. These people all die.
To be the surviving hero, you must command the center of attention and start handing out orders. However, don’t be a dictator or a tough guy. The hero and heroine often stay on top because the other characters and the audience like them. They use their wits most of the time and help others who are not as smart. Remember, you will make mistakes and get hurt. Just keep going.
Heroes don’t go out on their own. Horror movie victims always get stuck in a group of about six really stupid people.
It will seem tempting to just go hide until the movie is over and someone else kills the bad guy. If you try this, you will not be the main character, and you will die. Pick one good friend and agree to watch out for each other.
The second rule of horror movie survival is look the part. Although, it may not seem important when the zombies and bad guys are coming, it really is a good idea to run in the bathroom and look in a mirror. Make sure you are wearing sexy clothes and give yourself a good makeup job. If you’re a chick, put on some really high heels. Your hair can look tousled, but in a good way. Your clothes can be dirty or torn as long as they are skimpy enough. Remember, the best looking characters live the longest. Let’s face it, the audience does not want to stare at an ugly old fart for two hours.
Your part in this movie may be long and scary, but remember to keep looking your best. Scream really effectively throughout the movie. Look scared, but don’t go completley insane or look pathetic. Continue to look good even after you are bleeding and muddy. If you start to look bad, you will die.
The third rule of horror movie survival is avoid obviously scary scenes. This one may seem obvious but it’s actually how most horror movie victims meet their end. Horror movie victims die when they wander into stupid traps. Do not go anywhere dark – not ever for any reason. Someone always dies as soon as it gets dark. Even if it’s the middle of the day, carry at least two big lights with you. Do not rely on one little flashlight for a whole group. It will break or the batteries will die.
As much as you try to avoid it, you will inevitably be thrust into the dark at some point. When you are, think clearly. Someone is about to die, so make sure it’s not you. Don’t yell, “Where are you?” Don’t ask, “Who’s there?” Don’t even scream. Just remain calm, stay quiet and get to someplace light.
Avoiding obviously scary scenes means do not go anywhere isolated or creepy. In other words, stay away from basements, bathrooms, cellars, caves, haunted houses, cemeteries, barns and deep dark forests. When the bad dudes are coming and you panic, do not run toward these places. Movie victims never seem to realize that evil lurks just where we might expect it.
Obviously scary scenes also include places where there are dead bodies, or there is blood running under doors and out of faucets, or creepy music is playing, or there are bad smells, or the phones don’t work, or you hear a chain saw or strange noises. It is better to go find a happy place. Think about going on a pony ride or finding a polka dance.
Places with paranormal history also count as scary scenes. Avoid anyplace on or near an old cemetery or places linked to ancient burial grounds. Don’t go anywhere connected to cults. Don’t visit morgues. Stay away from scenes where grizzly homicides have taken place.
The fourth rule of survival is don’t rely on help. Parents, friends, police officers, teachers, government authorities and everyone else will not believe you. They will refuse to help you and fail to see your problem. If there is a zombie walking down the middle of the street, they will not see it. If there is a dead body lying in front of them, they will not notice.
If anyone does try to help you, they will be killed. Extra helpers are not central to the plot, so they are doomed. You are on your own, and it is a waste of time to go seek assistance. It is up to you to kill the bad guy or the monster. This is the only way to escape.
The fifth rule of survival is use your wits. The horror will not end until the evil dude is dead, and you will have to kill him. Don’t rely on a specific weapon like a gun or a bomb to protect you. If you do, it is guaranteed to fail or be used against you. It is a good idea to carry a gun and a backup, but stay open to other options.
Remember that you will have to come up with some clever way to kill the crazy serial killer or zombie. Learn strange skills ahead of time, such as how to make a bow and arrows out of sticks, or fashion a sword out of a random piece of metal, or make a knife out of a piece of broken glass. These odd-ball skills will make you more likely to survive.
Sometimes, you will have to kill the same bad dude two or three times. They can always come back if it is in the script. Once you have killed a bad guy, don’t stop there. Destroy the body completely and immediately. This may seem unnecessary and disgusting, but it is the only way to ensure survival. This is not the time to become squeamish. Bash in the slasher’s head, pound a stake in the vampire’s heart, burn the monster’s body. If you have a meat grinder, put the monster in it. Throwing the bad guy over a cliff sometimes works, but not always. The more dead the killer is, the more likely you are to be done.
Using your wits also means that you will probably panic at least a little, but you do not need to forget all rules of logic.
Horror movie victims always die when they do something really stupid. Don’t expect protection in the nearest bar. Don’t think that the random, creepy-looking stranger that you just met will save you. Don’t expect an easy answer to your problems. Don’t throw down all of your weapons and run.
Don’t walk away when you can drive. Don’t think that the monster suddenly left because you haven’t seen or heard it for a few minutes.
Make every effort to get as far away from anything creepy as possible. Think about going to the nearest military base instead of the nearest haunted mansion. Don’t decide to have sex or start drinking in the middle of the action. In general, think clearly instead of acting like an idiot and remain pure of heart.
If you use these five survival skills, you are about 90 percent likely to live through the entire horror movie. In the end, you will feel proud of yourself for surviving. You may feel shaken, and you will probably need years of therapy, but everything will be okay. There is likely to be a fun scene at the very end of the movie where you get to smile and walk away. You may even get to kiss your fellow survivor. Enjoy it because you deserve it.
Don’t hesitate if you need to kill someone, break the law or steal a car during the movie. In the end, the police won’t notice, and you won’t be blamed for anything. You will simply be the hero. Just be sure to tie up loose ends so you aren’t stuck in a sequel. If you keep your wits about you for the entire film, you will be unique and the audience will remember your character for a long time.
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